Mary is a romantic. Candlelight dinners, flowers and thoughtful gift represent love and affection to her. She loved Francis and showed her affection by sending him flowers and gifts. She spent hours shopping for him, and could not understand why he doubted her love.
But Francis was so overwhelmed with his new business that he did not have the time or energy to focus on Mary’s flowers and gifts. They weren’t important to him. What he really needed and wanted from Mary was for her to help him handle some of the demands of his business. He would ask her to run an errand or make a phone call, and she would “forget” or say “I thought it could wait.” As the days, weeks and months passed, Francis became more and more direct about his needs. The more he complained about Mary’s lack of attention, the more flowers and gifs he received.
Mary should have listened to what Francis equated with caring and concern and spent more time to help relieve his work-related stress. Francis would have appreciated her thoughtfulness. Mary never turned into the messages that Francis broadcast; she never realized that her view of how to show sympathy and attentiveness was not shared by him. Eventually Francis became convinced that Mary didn’t really care about him and ended the relationship.
If you want to be seen as a caring person by someone who is overwhelmed by a pressing deadline at work, bring her dinner to eat at her desk. Don't tell her that she really needs to take a break and go out to dinner with you. That’s now what she wants. It’s what you want. If you force her to go along with your program, chances are she won’t see you as caring at all, but rather as insensitive and unsympathetic. Your effort to be perceived as a kind and compassionate person will fail. Kind, compassionate and sensitive people learn to detect what others value, and to help them in a suitable way.
This requires attention to others’ needs, and disregard for your beliefs of what will make you appear caring. Ask questions. Listen carefully. Provide others what the want. When you show someone that you listen, and respond, your caring actions will carry twice the weight.
